okay well... anything i have to say is going to be completely and totally inadequate. this i already know. but i know you feel like you have a total obligation to your sister, but you have to remember... if its going to be like that forever you can only hold back your life so much. theres a difference between helping out and completely giving your life to someone.

love love love

I just wanted you to know that I keep up with your diary. I can relate to it in a deep way. I am bi-polar too, though I am 'controlled.' I've forgotten what it's like to be manic or severely depressed.

I hope, that eventually, things will change for you. It's hard being somebody's rock and sole comfort, especially when you need it for yourself.

What's the tattoo?

Things do change, it's the only thing you can count on in life. I hope your change will come soon

im not voting for anyone. maybe that makes me a bad citizen, but i dont want to be responsible for what happens in the next four years.

if you get tired of shit, you can run away and save the world with me too

love love love

i hate that there's so much pressure on you. i wish... things didn't have to be the way they are. but i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. just because you [or your sister] can't see the sun doesn't mean it's not shining. that probly sounds really retarded, but you know. i know things are hard, but... maybe you won't see the end result now, or even soon... maybe your sister's preparing you in some way, making you stronger for a time you'll need strength you wouldn't have if you weren't going through this right now. maybe you're making her stronger than she thinks she is. i dunno, maybe you two are making each other stronger than you're seeing right now. i hope this is the case. i hope in time [but not too much of it] your load is lightened. i hope you see the sun.

appearance changes are always healthy. and with the whole piercing thing making you look unprofessional... well, if youre not getting a hardcore job anytime soon, it shouldnt matter. and usually it doesnt. i have this big ass bull ring healing up my nose right now, and i just got a job with work study that was interview only with the head of the education department. youre either qualified for a job or not. you know?

but good luck with the tattoos. i remember you talking about your transcience tattoo and i thought it was an awesome idea!

love love love

I love the way you write, it's very articulate and expressive. The graffiti on the bridge really got me.

Good luck with the degree change ... sounds like you know what you're doing

i remember many entries ago you said something like you think since your sister was "diagnosed" that gives her an excuse to be that way... maybe you were right. maybe she's looking for validation, and since she can't find what she's looking for, this is it for her. or maybe i'm an idiot who knows nothing about your sister. i guess that's how i feel. since i can't explain what it is with me, i'll take whatever i can, even if it's harmful.

and your guy friend... no one wants to be alone. although i don't agree with what he's done/doing, i understand it.

ah i was wondering why you left me a blank comment! that makes more sense now.

i think eventually we all just have to give up on trying to help and care about people. i mean, all some people need is just a little boost, but those who n eed constant assurance...well, idk, they just cant be helped until they want something for themselves.

love love love

why shankya! you know whats really sad, half the people i know in real life, who see me every damm day didnt notice, and you did! bad resolution pics and all!

ah, this makes me think of the highlights of beingdrunk... the random cool things that happen and you dont know how... i might have to go get some right now

love love loe

hop you adjust, love the title of your diary.its so true ,just passing by

ackkk im so jealous of you and your snazzy new apartment!!! im glad its fun though!

love love love

"the power of suggestion" "i have to be an enormous bad mood, hoping someone will ask about the bad mood."

... man. sometimes...

i wish you'd write more too. it feels good to read your entries.

i wish sometimes i could hug you.

you asked me if joe is a mormon. no, he's not. but he doesn't drink because his mother has a problem with alcohol and it made him uncomfortable, so i decided to quit drinking so i wouldn't add to his anxiety. i said all that to say this:

i need a drink.

wow... i missed your writing. i want to comment on everything, but i won't. i'm glad things are picking up for you, minus the brilliant things not being said to you. it will come. just like you know your friends are going to be ok, you will too. and it's good your relationship with your sister is getting stonger.

i guess i'm just glad.

sooo how was it then?!

love love love

i miss you. but you know if you met me in real life you probly wouldn't like me very much.  i should stop doing drugs, etc., but not right now. i'm up in a house full of people and i .... i i'm tripping right now but can't sleep because of work. it's taking 45 min to type this b/c i'm meticulous. please write about how you're feeling because i n..... drugs.  i feel like i'm in a tunnel. it's 3:50 am an i'm on the drug i swore i'd never do again, making damn sure there are no errors here. (if you see one, don't be mad). please write, even if to just say "high!" (lol. that was a joke, the spelling, but i think you got that)

im having a half assed christmas too...no money and not enough time for presents, but we did bother to get a tree..i think the holidays mock people who have gone through a hard year.

i hope you have a good...couple of days?

love love love

being proud of yourself does NOT make you an egotist. in ANY way. i don't want to be like your friend and commend you for you realizations or anything, but i wish i was there. i mostly don't regret doing what i did, the drugs and things, but why did i feel like i needed to do them? before, when i was your age, i had no desire whatsoever to experience that. i'm disappointed in myself for having done it, but only a little bit. i don't know. i guess i didn't have friends back then, really, and then i had friends and... am i making excuses? i did what i did. at least now i know that's not who i am either, that's not what i want to do with my free time or whatever.

i don't know. does this make me an egotist? i'm gonna say no. i'm still trying to figure it out. this is my way of doing it.

(this is totally COMPLETELY random, and i'm sure you could not care any less, but my boobs have shrunk so much i don't need a bra anymore.)

i like that song, too.

i'm going backwards again, and i was thinking that i wish i could write like you. i didn't think eloquent, but i'm thinking that now. i wish i was a college student, and it makes me want to ask you: are you a genius? you've said some things in the past that made me think you were... you're kind of like the kids of dawson's creek, unbelieveably smart for their age, except they were just "normal" i think.

ahhh gosh...every time i read you, you write down exactly what im feeling, except ten times more elaborate and intricate than i could ever say... im so jealous...

hope things pick up for you

love love love

i want to sooo bad! its not playing in this town though!!! =[

love lovelove

oh oooooh, nothing's gonna change my world.

Love Beatles songs, grew up with their sounds all around!!

  Emmi

i just love you. ... in a total non-creepy, platonic way.

this is the third time i've read this entry. and i still have no words for you. i hope you don't feel like what you're feeling (or not feeling) is wrong, because you ahve every right to be... where you are emotionally. obviously i'm no expert at anything, but i know you're not "supposed" to be doing anything except figuring it out if you haven't. and i'm glad you at least have your best friend, even if for only for a little while. that's better than nothing. and i'm positive you won't always feel so [this way] in time, though you probly won't ever get over it. (and i hate when people comment on my diary like they know everything, and i feel like i just did it to you, and i guess it's selfish, but i want you to know that you're on my mind and in my thoughts. i really do hope you had fun camping [though i can't for the life of me understand why anyone would voluntarily do something like that] and that things get better with you. i wish i could do something... and i know i've said that a few times, but, you know. maybe if i say it enough...)

Right now I feel like you. I feel as if nobody can really comprehend or understand what it is that I go through. For whatever reason my heart ache is gone and sometimes I think this is ok and other times I think its a curse.

I want the ups and the downs of life. Those things that I can't experience anymore. I don't think about making a difference anymore. Nothing moves me anymore.

I don't feel numb. I don't feel happy. I don't feel sad. It's just wierd.

I've added you to my faves. I like how you relate and I like how you express yourself.

that's gotta be tough to hear. i'm so so so sorry. i hate that you have to go through this. but things will get better, i'm sure of it. i don't know words of comfort. please, take care.

in this one episode of joan of arcadia, when they were finally talking about adam's mother's death, the god of the moment was talking to joan about leaving behind good ripples. i can't really explain it all that well, but i think you might get what i'm saying. anyway, i think just because you can't see that you're helping someone doesn't mean you're not. you might say one thing one day to a person that changes them forever in ways you'll never know. i think you leave good ripples, at least with me you have. and still do. i wish... i don't know. i wish things were different, you know?

i am so sorry..

i know thats really lame and inadequate, but thats all i can really think of... im sorry and ill keep you in my thoughts.

love love love

at least you care!

i had my last day of high school today and i couldnt give less of a sh*t.

love love love

yeah.

the world is getting pretty crazy.

im like scared of everything now.

especially with the va. tech incident.

my school is going on lockdown now.

its really scary.

hope it all ends.

I know exactly what you mean and trust me, it's not corny. This world is getting progressively more dangerous everyday and, understandably there is reason to be afraid. We just can't let this fear take over completely because it will only lead to more distructive violence than there is now. Instead, we should harbor this fear and use it to full burning ambition...use it as motivation for change. I just wanted to add my thoughts. Great entry, very conversational.

Take care,

Johnny 

this was impacting. i don't know any other word to use. but i swear i know what you mean. you can't just put it down? girl, don't i know it! and talking to someone doesn't help (me), because i never know how to put words to it. that second to the last paragraph, i know. and the last one, too.

and don't you hate when people say things are just a phase? how long do phases last? if the way things are for me, this is has been a lifelong phase. is that all my life is? anybody's?

you are very inspiring. i think it was you that mentioned the perks of being a wallflower, and since i want to be like you (not in an obsessed way, but in like a more intellectual way) i bought. i finished it in less than 2 days, it's very short, you know. anyway. i think you and charlie are similar. i mean, he was unassumingly... i don't know. but i think you're more aware. of what? life, yourself, the way things are. i don't know. i just think you guys are similar but in different ways. does that make sense? maybe i'm like him in that i was missing the point?

... i didn't mean for that to sound as weird as i think it did.

you need to make a conscious plan to enjoy the day.

you know what they say, joy comes in the morning. Start everyday with that in mind. The fact that it's another day and you're around to experience it should be added to your list of blessings

[babsido]

im up for a screamfest

love love love

i wish you knew how... comforting you are. thank so much for your comment, you always make me feel better. i just wish i could like apply myself or something. and this entry, i swear it could have come right out of my head, that's how much i feel you on this.

and i will be waiting for you to visit me with that ice cream, cause these feelings are gonna come again.

very random: everything could be a lyric. like, you said "time flies" and i swear that's a song, somehwere in my mind i hear it, but i don't know. i think people who can make music are the best people in the world. we me and my brother were younger, we tried to "write" our own music, but i ended up taking sheet music i already had and just mixed up the notes. needless to say, it wasn't a very good song.

even more random: i wish there was like a hotline or something here i could call, you know like what you do? but ifi got on the phone, what could i possibly say? "hi, i'm miserable and i don't know why. can you help me?" lame. i really need a hug, i think that would help me out a lot. i don't know why i'm telling you this. maybe because i would kill to have someone i could literally cry to and not feel totally defunct. i don't know. i'm just lonely and i wish i had friends who say the things you say. i guess this too shall pass, but right now i'm stuck... and i hate it.

Tie a ribbon around your heart, and i'm sure you won't.

i dont know, im no expert or anything, but i bet probably 90% of people dont do what they preach. god knows i always sit there and i tell people to get over things because the world doesnt stop for bullsh*t etc etc, yet im the one who constantly mulls over things. it kind of surprised me earlier in the year because apparently i preached to this kid back in like february or something, and i was complaining about something really stupid, and hes like...wait...i thought you said to get over things? i followed your advice and live by it!

i mean, thats a little freakin drastic, but seriously, as long as it helps someone else out of a sh*thole, then its pretty straight. and all the advice that we live by, im sure the people who told us dont listen to themselves either.

love love love

even though you say its not mdd directed, i think it applies most here.

i dont know, i have a bunch of people on my favorites list and im always like mannn they are the sh*t!!! they would be so cool to kick it with for a day... and you know, we chat and stuff, but when i realllllly think about it, if we went to the same school, or lived in the same neighborhood, we probably wouldnt give each other the time of day.

its kind of sad really. i think that shows how image concious people are and how much more judgemental they can be face to face, forming an opinion on someone on how they look and act rather than knowing some of the most secretive things about them that they dont even admit to people in real life

love love love

ok, i was really empathizing with you till the end... "funk soul brotha" made me happy. i haven't heard that song in forEVer!!!

and hugs are great. i was getting a hug a day (give or take), but my friend went on r&r. after a while it really gets sad, not having attention like that, and it wasn't even sexual.

we get sent care packages from people in the states and they send SO many books it's insane. i hate when they send fiction military books. this has nothing to do with anything. you just said barnes & noble and i got all excited. i want to buy some books, but we get all these free ones, it just seems pointless.

Ummm, sorry. Okay hold on a sec I'll find some greetings cards and cut n paste some fluff for you ;)

seriously, lemon in the nostrils. or in the eyeballs if you've broken up with someone, you'll be screaming and cursing like that kid in the Exorcist. Guaranteed to work better than alcohol, pretty much guaranteed to take your mind off everything :) I know I know, it violates t&cs but I can't be only one doing it ;)

One thing I learned in the Balkans apart from how to draw a perfect circle is how to get rid of such images and other things that heavy the heart. You take a small wedge of fresh lemon (or a west indian lime depending on which is sharper to you) and holding it in your fingers you tilt your head back and squeeze it into your nostril. Now at this angle it'll go straight into the sinus cavity and for about two or three seconds you'll see nothing but red as your whole head heats up, plus your red eyes will be shedding tears for ages. Now by the time you recover, you'll be so damn glad it's over and to be alive you won't remember what made you do such a stupid thing in teh first place. Short, sharp pain with no lasting side-effects blasts eveything clean...oh and you may choke quite a bit so have some water to hand...

what can I tell you? it works better than your basic empty promise of 'things'll be better' ;)

i just love your writing. i could totally see you (the you i picture even though i've seen you, which isn't really the same) spitting and then some guy calling your name...

"and dead people"